The One I Feed.: Rememberance of things...present.

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Streets lined with small, open rooms
Rooms furnished on each side with cheap, red plastic chairs
Chairs filled by young, longing faces
Young longing faces attached to young, developing bodies
Young developing bodies clothed in small garments of bright colors
Bright colors worn on her cheeks, lips, and eyes
Eyes looking empty, sad, lost, fearful
Fear used to control the bodies, the girls
Girls, not yet women, still too young
Youth--stolen by the preying thieves
Thieves too selfish to respect her innocence
Innocence taken each night someone stops
"Stop"--a word she may never use freely
Freedom--something she can only hope for
Hope, all she has left until we stop
Stop stopping to steal her future
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Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're a small child, in a public place with your mother or parent, and you somehow get separated from them? You can see your mother looking around in desperation as you shout "mom!" at the top of your lungs. And though she seems so close, your face and voice are just a smidge too distant and weak for her to see you or hear your cries. You outstretch your arms, seeming only an arms-length away, hoping to grasp onto her dangling hand, but once you try, you miss because you're just out of reach. And, as that moment slips away, you see her slowly wander into the opposite direction while the panic starts to set in. First it creeps into your stomach leaving a tight, uncomfortable feeling. Then, it slowly makes its way into your head, blurring your thoughts and making you dizzy as it also seems to completely cover your heart leaving only pain and a loss of hope. You don't know what to do, how to make your way back to her--she's gone and now you're lost and don't know where to go or what to do next.

Thankfully, it's only a dream. And, well, eventually you wake up at the perfect moment when the last ounce of hope was about to be lost in the crowd, just as you were. Upon waking, you gasp in anguish and then relief from realizing it wasn't real at all. You look around, see a familiar wall, a familiar picture on your desk, as that feeling of loss slowly drifts out of your body and comfort sets in.

But, what if you didn't wake up? What if that dream was a reality?

Recently, I had an experience that gave me the exact feeling that I've felt too many times in my dreams--however, this time, it was real. There was no awakening at the end that allowed the helpless feeling to drift away, and there was no feeling of comfort or relief that would eventually set in. There was also no way for me to reach that lost person, for them to hear my cries of help, for them to grasp onto my outstretched hand. My moment had passed, and reality had set in. It's a moment I'll never forget.

Allow me to start from the beginning...

**************Thailand**************

It was a great vacation! A dream come true! It was the first overseas trip I had taken with no real goal or agenda, to be honest, other than to relax and enjoy myself. And I did!

Thailand was breathtaking. Though the chaos and odd foreigner crowds of Bangkok didn't particularly tickle my fancy, the island of Koh Chang (translation: Elephant Island) did! It was paradise. I took a one-hour ferry to get there and never looked back (of course, until I had to leave--insert extremely sad face--). Lush, green jungle, a variety of interesting wildlife, perfectly warm but cool beaches, fresh colorful fruit, lively people, and the most impeccably delicious food. Really, paradise.

Adventure? Why yes! Elephant trekking through the jungle, a 5-island snorkeling extravaganza, a 7-hour jungle trek complete with monkey feeding, hornet nest escaping, giant vine swinging, and waterfall swimming. Oh, and to come "home" from these adventures only to retire sluggishly into a beach lounge chair on the deck overlooking a lagoon and the sea, to watch a documentary playing on a screen over the water while sipping on a delicious coconut shake--oh, what a rough life :) Paradise. Koh Chang was a place that exceeded my dreams of paradise. Upon leaving Koh Chang, I felt pangs of sadness because I knew that the chance of me seeing anything this beautiful, or experiencing anything this perfect, would never come again. I let out dreadful sighs as I watched the beautiful, mountainous island slowly transform into a speckle in the sea.

***************Cambodia********************

If you've ever seen the quick and drastic scene change in the film Eat.Pray.Love where Julia Robert's character goes from a quiet, relaxing, idealistic dinner in Italy to a chaotic, loud, unsettling taxi ride in India--well, that's the only way I can think to describe my transition from Koh Chang, Thailand to the border of Cambodia. It was as if, in the blink of an eye, I had left a fantastical dream and entered into a jumbled and confusing reality.

--THE BORDER--

Out of almost all of the places I've ever visited, the Cambodian border was the scariest. It was unorganized, chaotic, and had random stragglers hanging around who I couldn't make out if they were there actually working or for some other reasons (I don't even want to think about WHAT those other reasons were). The border consisted of multiple, randomly placed buildings, which you had to visit one at a time, walking outside, sometimes between metal fences on an all-too narrow concrete walkway and sometimes on dusty, dirt roads that seemed to lack any signs or hints as to what direction you should be going in. With sweat dripping down my face, heavy backpack on my shoulders, and thoughts of Koh Chang painfully floating out of my head, I followed our all-too-untrustworthy guide and prayed that I'd make it through the border alive. Whether it was the utter shock of change of venue, the lingering feeling of danger, or the fact that I hadn't eaten in hours--whatever the case, I felt lost in a cloud of dust--literally and metaphorically.

Once through the border, the confusion and oddity didn't end. We were first taken back by the loooooong line, placed in direct sunlight, that we were told we would have to wait in unless we paid our guide 230 baht. Coincidentally, that's the exact amount of Thai currency I had left. Believing that this was a sign to take the "VIP--skip the line" offer, I did so hesitantly as our "guide" took my passport, stuck it in a pile of other passports, handed it to some guy, and said I'd get it back in a few minutes (ya, that's reassuring). I'll never really know where exactly my passport went during this period, but I was frankly too exhausted to care at the time.

--SIEM REAP--

Fast forward a few hours through a sketchy cab driver, issues at a "gas station" (shack with two medium-sized tanks in front of it), our amazingly kind European companions, a tuk tuk driver whose initial take-off catapulted all of our luggage into a busy street, and then finally you'll get to the part where I arrived safely in Siem Reap. Ahh, Siem Reap. Despite its overly-touristy Pub Street (which I kinda loved) and copious amounts of tuk tuk drivers offering me anything from an actual tuk tuk ride to drugs and prostitution, it was a calmer, safer, more relaxed version of the Cambodia I had first been introduced to. And for that, I was thankful.

Siem Reap--the land of $2 gourmet meals, $3 massages, 50cent beers, and the most amazing temples you will ever see in your life. I could have spent weeks in Siem Reap and still wouldn't have felt that I had taken it all in. This part of my journey seemed to be extremely fast-paced, physically and mentally draining, and eye-opening in many ways.

The gigantic, detailed temples of Angkor Wat, the numerous small young children trying to sell me souvenirs, the aggressive women selling water ("Cold water. One Dollar. You want cold water?"), the delicious fruit on the side of the road (freshly cut mango, 2 for $1 or a whole coconut--drink it and then cut it up and eat it for $1), the sad stories that were delivered at the most unexpected times by the most unexpected people (tuk tuk driver makes a detour to his house late at night in the middle of nowhere to tell us his story.....woman tells me her story while in the middle of my leg massage), and the surprisingly modern slew of restaurants and foreigners. Siem Reap was full of juxtapositions; extreme juxtapositions that were beautiful and interesting while still being completely confusing at the same time. All of these things, and more, made Siem Reap one of the most overwhelming places I've ever been.

I still have difficulty, and probably always will, describing the vast array of emotions I felt while in Siem Reap. They were intense, constantly changing, and being caused solely by the things around me. The pace of my time in Siem Reap seemed to keep my mind actively aware of the things around it-- allowing myself to stay only on the surface of my mind, restricting me from delving deeper, and leaving me no time to analyze what I was seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, etc. My senses were on high alert, trying to take it all in, while leaving my mind too exhausted and overloaded to process any of what it absorbed--until now, that is. I was even almost afraid to go back to Siem Reap in my mind because it still overwhelms me, makes me anxious, fills me with the fear that I'll never really have enough time to process everything. So to say Siem Reap was "filling" would be an understatement. Rather, to say I left with an overflow of thoughts and emotions would be more accurate. And, though I didn't know it at the time, there were even more impactful sights I would see--more overwhelming experiences waiting for me at the last and final stop of my journey, Phnom Phen. This is where I would have a moment, just like in a dream, that would change my life forever.

--PHNOM PHEN--

My journey from Siem Reap to Phnom Phen was even more eventful than my transition from Koh Chang to the Cambodian border.

The bus ride: 6 hours, packed full, people standing down the center aisle, seat broken, woman vomitting in the seat across from mine, horn blaring, stops, drops, pick-ups, shacks and running chickens on the side of the road. It was an experience.

Upon arriving in Phnom Phen, I was shocked to see a Dairy Queen (the first I've seen in 7 months) which was such a contrast to the extreme poverty-stricken areas I had watched for hours on my journey there. This was only one of the many shocking sights I saw in Phnom Phen.

On a happier note, I was excited to see a bunch of foreigners' faces (not foreign to me though!) who were in town for an ultimate frisbee tournament. My travel companion was set to play in the tournament, which gave me access to amazing new friends, free food, and awesome parties. I was living it up and enjoying every minute of it. And, thanks to a few of my new friends, I was introduced to one of the most delicious vegetarian restaurants. Hummus and Greek salad, anyone? :) I was in heaven!

The next day, per a new friend's recommendation, I visited the Genocide Museum and Killing Fields. I didn't know anything about the history of battles fought in Cambodia, so it was very shocking to learn about it. The museum provided a lot of information about what actually went on in Cambodia at the time. The museum was in an old school that had been turned into a prison and torture center for people who were wanted for interrogation. Numerous portraits, cells, and weapons still remain at the old school. I even met one of the survivors. This made the situation even more real, seeing that the events that happened there didn't happen that long ago.

--Killing Fields--

After learning about the history behind the situation in Cambodia, I finally visited the Killing Fields. Upon entering, I was given a headset and controller to listen to information, explanations, and personal stories to go along with different sections of the Killing Fields. I must say, I was glad I went alone. Shocking, yes. Difficult to handle, yes. Emotionally exhausting, yes.

As I walked around the area, I was stepping on fragments of bone that had surfaced. I saw pieces of skulls, teeth, and clothing scraps that had been placed on glass cases, found by visitors just like me, waiting to be added to the numerous collections already enclosed in the cases. I stood by a tree, in tears, as I listened to the facts: this was the "baby-killing" tree, where officers would hold babies by their feet and hit them against the tree, then throw them into one of the mass graves. This tree also stood by a mass grave where women were first stripped, raped, head bashed, and then tossed into.

Speechless. I was speechless as tears gently poured down my cheeks, remembering. What else could I do? The only thing I was capable of was remembering.

--Frisbee Golf, oh, I mean Ultimate Frisbee--

After feeling emotionally drained and upset by the shocking sites I had seen, my friends tried to lighten my spirit and distract my mind by inviting me to join them at one of the Ultimate parties. We got to the party which was held in a beautiful club, room reserved just for the group. It was great! We danced, listened to live music, and laughed.

The next day, my last day of vacation, I attended the final rounds of the Ultimate Frisbee tournament. Knowing absolutely nothing about it, I watched in awe as people did things with frisbees I didn't know were possible. It was fun. I sat in the sun, ate delicious food, read a little, mingled, and made even more friends. I even got to enjoy the ridiculously funny slip and slide competition at the end of the tournament. It was a great day to say the least. To finish off my day, some friends and I went back to the vegetarian restaurant (which may have been my 4th time there in 2 days) and had a much needed, healthy meal. I was happy :)

And then, my trip was over. I hopped in the tuk tuk for my final ride.

On my way to the airport I tried to take in every last smell, every last sight, every last moment. I looked around, watched the people carrying fresh fruit, smelled the scent of coconuts and fresh basil, saw the sky darken and the lights of vehicles illuminate the smiles of the Cambodians riding them. I felt the warm Cambodian breeze, so foreign to the winter I had been experiencing; a breeze that I would never come across again. I remembered the excitement I felt as I got to feel an elephant's skin against mine for the first time. The humidity I experienced in the jungle that I had only read about in books. The overwhelming immenseness of Angkor Wat--a size and extremity that I thought I understood until I saw it with my own eyes. I had had an AMAZING experience, numerous experiences. I had experienced paradise, visited places I had seen on the Discovery Channel, and done things I had only dreamed I could do. It was the best vacation anyone could ask for.

--CHANGE--

I was about 5 minutes from the airport when everything, and I mean everything, changed.

My tuk tuk driver turned the corner and we approached a well-lit street. It looked exciting, colorful, fun. It had numerous open-front restaurants and bars that looked packed full of people, like great places to go. But wait...they weren't restaurants and bars.

As I got closer, I realized that these open-front, box-like businesses were colorful rooms, lined on each side with red plastic chairs. Each and every one of the rooms was full. And each and every one of the chairs was full. As I looked closer, the bodies in the chairs were girls, young girls. The girls had short, sparkly skirts, flashy bras or barely-there shirts, bright, colorful makeup, and excessive hairdos. They were each wearing high heels and not much else. As a guess I would say that there were about 30 or more businesses like this, probably more, and about 20 girls in each. But, these businesses weren't selling food or beer, they were selling real human beings.

That's when it hit me. That feeling--that feeling I used to get in dreams when I'm separated from someone, left helpless, and though I'm stretching my arms out as far as they will go, and screaming at the top of my lungs because I want to help them, I want to reach them again, I want them to hear me--but they don't. Their grasp slowly slips away through my fingertips and any hope I had of holding onto them is gone.

But this wasn't a dream, it was reality. I wasn't going to wake up or be able to feel the comfort I had once felt or be able to give them the comfort they once felt. This was different. I had read about this kind of thing--studied it actually. I had studied it for years, watched numerous documentaries, completed reports on it. But this, this was real.

I was seeing it, experiencing it with my own eyes. That feeling of helplessness started to creep inside me. It was a different sadness and helplessness than the one I felt when visiting the Killing Fields or doing research about past stories of these kinds of things. In those situations, I couldn't help--they were the past and I was living in the future of those events. But this, this was the present. It was right there, before my eyes, and I still couldn't do anything.

I wanted to rescue each and every one of the girls, give them freedom, let them know their worth, tell them they can do anything in life if they believe in themselves. But I couldn't, I couldn't. As I looked at their faces, the feeling of helplessness, of anxiety crept over my mind, my heart. I watched these women, these girls, being sold like food, to feed the selfish desires of passerbys who happen to go by and stop because they saw something that looked appetizing. These girls; being looked at like meat, like toys, not like people, not like humans. I wanted to scream, and I tried, but nothing came out. Only tears rolled down my face, hands shaking, mind blurring, heart aching.

I was just about to the airport when I passed one of the last "human-selling businesses" and saw one of the most disturbing sights I've ever seen in my life. In front of the semi-empty store front was a young boy, maybe 8 years old. He was standing close to the road, but far enough away to be out of reach. He was holding a large red glow baton that most police officers use at night to direct traffic. He was shoving it in and out of his mouth, into his cheek, and down his throat. He was bait. He was human bait.

At that moment, my life changed.

****************NOW*************

Once I arrived home, I felt an overwhelming mixture of thoughts and emotions. I had seen, first hand, that all of the horrific stories I had read about, all of the things I thought I knew about, were real. It's easy to distance yourself from problems when they're simply just words on a page, just text. But, when you see a woman and child being bought and sold on the side of the road for sex, when you see the look on their faces--a look of wanting to escape but feeling even more hopeless and helpless than I did knowing I couldn't save them in that moment, well--that's when you realize they aren't just stories--they're reality, they're real people.

I thought, for a moment, that these are the types of things, the treatment, that only happen in poverty-stricken countries. That is, until I was walking down a popular street in Haeundae one day (one of the richest districts in Busan, South Korea) and saw a young teenage couple fighting. The boy was screaming at the girl, pushing her, as she stood motionless in tears in front of him. He then shoved her into his car, slammed the door shut, opened the door again, and leaned in to start hitting her. She put up her hands in defense, only to have him pull them down and hit her again. This went on for some time. People passed by, including grown men, and no one stopped to help. No one told him to stop, no one asked if the girl was okay--no one cared. It was accepted. Again, I felt helpless--knowing that being a foreigner I couldn't speak the language, and being a woman I just might make the situation worse by causing him to take out his anger at me on his girlfriend instead.

*************WHAT WE CAN DO!*****************

This inequality, this treatment, is UNACCEPTABLE.  We are all human beings and we all deserve to be treated like human beings. It's time to make it known that we won't accept to be treated like less than that.

DO SOMETHING.  Be informed, stay informed. Get involved. Help other people. Help yourself.

I will NEVER accept a friend, boyfriend, etc who treats me with less respect than I think every human being deserves. You shouldn't either.

*********One Final Note*********
When I stop and think about the Red Light Districts in Thailand and Cambodia--all of those women and children being bought and sold--I ask myself: "Why?" WHY?

These businesses aren't for the Thai and Cambodian men, they are for the foreigners with money. A business cannot continue on if it has no customers.  One person's selfishness and greed can take the life, the joy, the happiness, the hope, the future out of another's life. Please, don't be that person. Please, don't take away someone else's future.
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