I know, I know. You are probably thinking "Oh no, not again..." As most of you know, I've always been one to have long, serious relationships only to realize it's not right and exit quickly, leaving damage and confusion in many ways. A "serial dater" some may call it--always in a relationship. A "heart-breaker" others may call it. When I'm single, I'm single and crazy, and when I'm in a relationship, I'm fully committed and well-behaved. Too behaved, actually...I know, I know, I came to Korea to have my freedom and NOT to get into any relationships, but sometimes things happen unexpectedly.
Recently I met someone who I found to be one of the most interesting people I've ever met. That's why I knew it was love at first sight. Obviously, there is always that initial attraction that kind of draws you in and makes you interested in the person (same case here). But then, once you start to spend time with that person, get to know them a little better, that's when the falling begins. You see who they really are, beyond their appearance, and once you do that--well, you can really learn to love them.
So, "who's the lucky guy?", you must be wondering. Well, it's not a guy...it's me! Yes, you read that correctly--me. I am falling in love with myself. Again, as always, allow me to explain...
--------THEN----------
In the past, I've felt incapable of staying single (I swear I try, but men just seem to pounce once word is out that I'm single, and I don't do too much to stop it). Because of this, I've seemed to lose pieces of myself along the way. Now, don't get me wrong, I have dated some amazing people and learned a lot from each relationship that I've had. However, because I try to give my all in a relationship, I end up neglecting myself. I get so caught up in becoming the "perfect" girl for someone, that I end up forgetting all the great things that make me, me, and end up extremely unhappy. I start to lose those idiosyncrasies that I've had since I was little, the things that allow there to only be one Tiffany Umin, a unique person. The saddest part is that I would rarely even see it happening. When you don't realize the problem, there's nothing you can do to fix it.
Example: Recently we had an election. To be blunt, I wanted Obama to win and was afraid of what would happen to the country if Romney won instead. Now, rewind this picture 4 years. Four years ago, at this same time, I was VP of the College Republicans group, front-and-center at the Sarah Palin rally, and was freaking out because I thought Obama was part devil. Now, I'm not saying people with similar positions and views as mine back then were/are wrong or crazy--I feel everyone has a right to their own opinion (that's what makes this world so great) and I respect that. What I AM saying is that at that time, if you would have asked me why I was voting for McCain or supporting the Republican party, I would not have been able to answer. I had no idea WHAT I thought or WHY I thought it. I had been so consumed in the person I was dating at the time, a lawyer-in-the-making and future politician (no, seriously), that I had felt it was my duty to make him and his family proud. However, I had lost myself in this process. Rather than being proud of myself for doing something I believed in, I was proud of myself for making others happy. This, sadly, has been a pattern of mine. I feel I have the ability to make anyone happy, anyone but myself. But, all that is about to change...
---------NOW--------
Since I've come to Korea, my life has completely changed. I've been separated from the monotonous life I was living in the same place for so long--in the all-too-comfortable life that was too close to leading me to a future I'd someday despise. I NEEDED this. I needed this separation and freedom, this exploration and change.
As previously mentioned, I recently saw someone who immediately interested me--it was myself. Not the "self" I had shaped to fit someone else's mold, but my REAL "self". Since being in Korea, I've been able to re-meet this person. Immediately when I started seeing her, I became interested and wanted to know her more. As time went on, little by little, I've been getting to know her even better (cue the confusion of my readers since I'm now speaking in 3rd person). I'm really beginning to fall in love, a healthy love for once. I'm falling in love with the person that I am--ME. This experience in Korea has brought out a new perspective--one where I realize how fucking important (sorry Mom for the f-bomb) it is to BE ME, not be a version of myself. I feel alive--truly alive!! For once, I'm not depending on anyone else to hold me up, or tell me what to do, or try to do any of these things. For once, I'm on my own--facing each day's challenges and experiences with open eyes and my own mind. It feels great!
You always hear people say how important it is to love yourself, to know yourself, to be true to yourself (now cue Shakespeare's quote from Hamlet). However, this isn't easy. Getting to know yourself is a process--just like getting to know someone else. And, the process of falling in love with yourself is long and difficult as well. We are always the first ones to be critical of the person that we are. Since we're incapable of changing others, we are quick to change ourselves instead. It's a challenge, a really big challenge, but it truly is important.
I'm still growing and changing as a person, but I'm learning to love myself enough to let myself be who I really am. It's always been a challenge for me, a BIG challenge, because I don't want to ever disappoint the people I care about the most (yes, my parents especially). I feel that I've had the most amazing people in my life, and I never want to hurt them by not living up to their standards/expectations. However, I'm slowly learning that as much as I love them and respect them, I MUST allow myself to be me--I know that's what they'd want anyways. I MUST love and respect myself as much as I love and respect them, and to do that I must get over my fear of disappointing them in order to follow my own heart, beliefs, ideas, etc. Now, this isn't easy, but I'm trying.
-------RANDOM (it connects somehow)----------
Today, while watching a random movie on Korean tv, I heard a song by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I used to love this band. As nostalgia kicked in, I put on one of their albums and danced in my humble apartment while singing loudly. While flipping my topknot around, a certain song came on--it's called "Atrophy". It stopped me in my tracks. I had heard this song a million times over, but this time I really heard the song. I listened to the lyrics which really spoke to me. Who knew a TRJA song could be deep. I'd like to share it with you, along with some of the lyrics because it applies to my recent realization of the life I was headed towards, the new life I'm living, and the new relationship I'm building with myself...here it is...oh, and don't forget to LoVe YoUrSeLf !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Atrophy" Lyrics Video
Return to days when you knew you still felt alive.
Reveal the way you felt when you could look inside.
The beat in your heart.
Reach out today, now I implore you,
to remember who you are.
Reach out today, now I implore you,
to remember who you are.
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| Never stop exploring! |
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| Finally, Ohio does something GREAT! So proud. :) |
